Odd Little Ideas
by Tellie571
Summary: A place where I will post the various plot bunnies that pop into my head from time to time. Not plot bunnies, house elves or nargles will be harmed during the writing of these short ficlets. Some of these may turn into stories of their own.


_Disclaimer: Anything you recognise isn't mine._

_Warning: This chapter contains hints of intercourse (yes I'm talking about sex) and description of nudity and of course violence and course language.  
_

**It's ****time to kick ass and chew bubble gum…and I'm all out of gum.**

Lucius Malfoy sneered as he killed a helpless muggle with the killing curse. Since Harry Potter run off after escaping an ambush that killed his remaining friends things had been going good for the Death Eaters.

The Order of the Phoenix was all gone, the Ministry had long since crumbled and England both magical and muggle was under Lord Voldemort's rule. After England was captured the Death Eaters had surged forward into Europe killing raping and pillaging wherever they wanted. Naturally the magical communities had set up a joint resistance and currently spent their time fortifying their positions.

Instead of going though the trouble of hunting them down the Death Eaters did what they enjoyed most, slaughtering muggles in a grand scale. A few times they had been assaulted by the European Wizarding Alliance (EWA) but the losses had been minimal, what with their Lord meeting the attackers in force.

However all good things must come to an end. Lucius had as Death Eaters are wont to do screwed up, and had now been rewarded with an assignment fit for an initiate. Apparently his Lord and Master had gotten information that a woman named Lara Croft had hunted down priceless artifacts belonging to him. And Lucius was tasked to find the muggle woman and return the artifacts…intact, his Lord has been most stressing on that point and Lucius dared not refuse, lest he suffer the same fate as Bellatrix.

Lucius shuddered, Bellatrix had tried one time to many to have their Lord return her affections, and he had thrown Bellatrix into a cage full of muggle teenaged boys, and given them permission to…'play' with her. A day later Bellatrix was a broken mess, her mind had snapped under the continuous sexual assault by the muggle boys and two Death Eaters had dragged her body out of there. Covered in male excretions she had been given to the acromantulas as food.

Cursing himself for thinking on that incident he returned to his current task. Another muggle policeman ran towards Lucius ordering him to 'drop your weapon', sneering Lucius put the filth under the cruciatus for good measure, and the following killing curse was more of a blessing than anything else.

Sighing he recalled the last two months he had spent searching for the elusive 'Lady Croft'. He had started out in England, following a trail of informants that lead him through a wild goose chase through France, Germany, Albania, Bulgaria, Spain, Brazil, China and now Merlin forbid the blasted United Fucking States of America, oh how the other Death Eaters must laugh behind his back, searching for a muggle in this blasted former colony was a strenuous task far beneath his station.

Nevertheless he had found information and after a week he had arrived in L.A and he was not feeling charitable, the trail of wreckage and bodies behind him was proof of that. He followed the directions he had been given, occasionally using the imperio to get more directions, said imperioed muggles were then ordered to run into traffic to kill themselves…life did have its little bonuses after all.

Eventually he came to the address he wanted, and his nostrils tightened as he saw the name on the building he had to enter. The run down building had windows with fancy red lights and on a large board with neon red letters stood the name 'Duke's Girls', and a look into the building proved his worst fears.

The club was full with patrons, filthy muggles crowding around the bar, and many more hollering and screaming at the trio of naked girls grinding and dancing on raised stages with a metal pole that stretched all the way to the roof.

Sneering at the disgusting filth Lucius moved straight towards the bar, using his wand to barrel a few muggle patrons out of the way. "Where is Lara Croft?" Lucius asked as he placed the curvaceous female bartender under the imperius.

"Go around the back, and take the stairs up to the first third floor, the last room on the right", she answered without any emotion. Lucius turned and walked out again, stopping only to admire a large motorcycle that seemed eerily similar to the one Sirius Black used to ride. With a smirk he leveled his wand and blasted it into tiny pieces that scattered across the street.

Following the directions given to him by the muggle girl he and the two Death Eater initiates he had requested arrived at the back door of the building. Caring little for subtlety he blasted down the door and entered. To his immediate right was a staircase and he and his two followers went up first one floor and then another. Once they reached the third floor they went down the hallway and were about to enter the room when they heard the noises.

The sound of flesh hitting flesh as well as an object moving slightly back and forth was complimented by a woman screaming 'DUKE, FUCK YEAH, OH GOD DUKE GIVE IT TO ME' and other variations of worship was screamed out by the woman.

The three Death Eaters stood unmoving as the continued to listen to the sounds of ecstasy being proffered over and over again. This…Duke had to be a wizard, nothing else could make a woman scream and moan such as the woman was doing. This continued for a further half an hour and the three Death Eaters were unable to do anything but listen. Eventually the sounds quieted and then stopped and the three dark wizards took a minute to compose themselves before bursting into the room.

Upon entering they noticed two things, first of all was the woman, who was lying completely naked on the bed. Secondly she was completely exhausted, her chest and private area still red from arousal and her hair was a tangled mess and a thin sheen of sweat covered her nude form.

Lucius took out a photo he had acquired of Lara Croft and compared it to the exhausted and sexually satisfied woman lying on the bed. "You muggle, where are the artifacts you stole from the Dark Lord?" one of the Death Eater initiates shouted at her, and Lucius viciously resisted the urge to palm his face.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?" Croft yelled as she reached for a muggle 'gon' or whatever they were called. Lucius was faster though and summoned the weapons to him and he was just about to speak when a voice interrupted him. "Lara what's going on?"

Standing in a doorway that led into a bathroom stood a man that made Lucius' heart pump faster. He was dressed in dark leather boots, and a pair of illegally tight blue denims on that did nothing to hide the powerful muscled legs. His torso was covered with a red tank top that almost seemed ready to burst over his sculpted chest. A brown holster was slung over his right and left shoulder leaving room for a gun under each shoulder, and a few bullets was strapped on top of it. His face brought a flicker of remembrance as he studied the strong chiseled features and his eyes were hidden by a pair of dark shades, and his blond colored hair was cut in a short military style and Lucius could see traces of darker hair near the roots, apparently he colored his hair that way.

His eyes wandered down and he swallowed heavily as his gaze was captured by a pair of heavily muscled arms that looked as though they could snap him in half. All in all the man was a perfect example of every woman's dream and every opposing man's worst nightmare.

"Lucy, what a surprise seeing you here", the man…'Duke' said with a deep voice as he recognized Lucius.

Sweat broke out on Lucius' face as he tried to remember where he had seen this man before and as he studied the imposing male before him he drew a shocked gasp as he saw the faint outline of a lightning bolt scar on his forehead.

"Potter?" he whispered.

"It's Duke now asswipe".

Lucius forced himself to calm down. "There is no need to fight Potter, I just need to collect a few items and then we'll be going", a forlorn hope perhaps but one never knew, perhaps Potter had wizened up the last years, he had certainly improved bodywise.

"I'm not gonna fight you, I'm gonna kick you ass", Potter sneered before his two hands snapped out a pair of golden Desert Eagles. Before any of the Death Eaters could react Potter pulled the triggers in quick succession. All three poncy purebloods screamed in pain as their arms and kneecaps were penetrated by metal bullets.

"You just stay right there I need to check out what happened outside", Potter said as he moved over to a window, and Lucius felt a wave of panic course through him as Potter twitched upon seeing the remains of his beloved motorcycle out on the streets. "Now I'm really pissed off" Potter growled as he turned around and Lucius almost desecrated his pants there and then upon seeing the expression of absolute fury on Potter's face.

"I ought to break a broom handle off in your ass", he growled as he stepped closer to the three whimpering Death Eaters.

To their momentary relief e stepped by them to pick up a red can of some odd smelling liquid. "Duke, what are you doing?" Lara asked from her position on the bed.

Duke chuckled darkly as he poured the liquid on the three Death Eaters. "Makin' Bacon Lara", he said as he threw a zippo over his shoulders, and the three Death Eaters screamed in pain as the gasoline poured over them ignited.

In his pain Lucius managed to apparate back to the headquarters, and he appeared in a burning screaming pile before Lord Voldemort's throne. The Meeting that was going on stopped abruptly and Voldemort doused the fires with water from his wand. For a moment everyone stared in shock at Lucius' state. He was covered in burns and had apparently splinced off both his feet.

"What is the meaning of this Lucius?" Lord Voldemort askedin a soft deadly tone.

Lucius stared up at his Lord's face with absolute panic, "Potter, He's back"! and the he fell into unconsciousness.

Back in L.A Duke turned back to Lara and licked his lips as he took in her voluptuous form. "Now Lara, where were we?".


End file.
